What's up...me, again, too late!

So, although i am totally exhausted, getting less than 6 hours of sleep and missing my beloved nap, I am wide awake again. I am going to be pretty cranky in the morning.

I am getting up extra early to try to race around and squeeze in 3 prenatals (which aren't even close) and take my girls horsebacking riding on the trails at Gettysburg. it is something we have wanted to do for years.

shhhh...don't tell the people at the stables I have abroken big toe and should be wearing my soft cast, that's my little secret. I'm not going to put this off again, what could go wrong (well, except falling off the horse, etc. etc.)

I am getting so busy with my midwifery. I will discuss it later (hey, isn't anyone reading this, or am I just talking to myself?????), I don't mean to complain, I am getting exactly what I wanted, having beautiful births, great midwives helping me out. But I am a worrier and I worry about my moms, my babies, my paperwork, the time I am away from home, my finances, everything. The emotional toll of all that worrying is really killing me. Anyone who is reading this (besides you, mom!) who has some advice, i would love to hear it.

It is so sad to even hear the news, what's up with all the dead moms? On my mothering site, I heard about a young mom who died of cancer with young children, one who is also sick and really needs his mommy. Another mom, a midwife (which really, really hits home) died after developing eclampsia, new baby, no mom. And of course, the pregnant mom and baby who were killed. Oh, almost forgot the dad who killed his wife and 3 children. Just so sad, it makes me really stop and think that it could be me, I could leave my children or they could leave me. I am not afraid of dying at all, but I am terrified of having to leave my children and having them grow up without a mom.

Pretty good mood I'm in here at 1am. I should just go to bed. But between my restless legs which are kicking up (literally) and my throbbing toe and that diet soda I should not have drank, here I am.

LLL has contacted me again about speaking at the area conference and doing a session on Parenting and Humor. I would love to do this, but I am totally drawing a blank as to how to fill a whole hour, have funny things to say and do. So again, anyone reading this (OK, mom you can now comment) please feel free to offer me your advice!

I am going to try to go to bed. Count sheep or something. Or pregnant ladies having nice homebirths. or chocolate (I recently tested positive for allergies to chocolate, so I dream about it alot, even though i can't consciously say I am even missing it!)

Good night!