Gods talking, but is anyone listening

So I wait and wait and wait until Ithink I have some great, or profound or insightful to write. Then it doesn't come. So I have decided to go with second best, rambling thoughts, brain dumping. After reading through my blogs, I am sure you can see my ADHD speaking loud and clear.

So my husband I have been meeting with a wonderful pastor who has been providing us with great wisdom and insight. I have always believed that God has provided us with what we need when we need it. Unfortunately I also have the problem of trying to force God to give me what I want when I want it. But when I look back at the big things like kids, school, midwifery, jobs, buying houses, friends, etc. I see that things happened perfectly.

So why do I still feel the need to control. to over=research. To drive myself and those around me crazy overanalzing everything, making plans, lists, etc. It's definitely time to "let go and let God" Seems so simple, so easy. I don't know if I knew what I thought that meant until after watching "the secret". If you haven't seen, you absolutely must. And I recommend buying it and watching several times. Suddenly things in the bible make sense. God in the bigger picture make sense. Events that have happened in my life make sense.

And still I go into this kicking, screaming, pulling teeth. Acting like a spoiled kid who doesn't like to be told what to do. It's a humbling experience. I have heard it said that until you come to God broken, humble, and just turn it all over to him, you will not have victory in that area. And I am seeing that is true. But why is it so hard?

Example: I was asked to carpool drive my daughter to camp for the afternoon about 1 hour away. I didn't want to do it, I would have to take the toddler and it seemed like alot of work. But I was told there was no more room in the cars and they needed me to help (I have 12 passenger van). So we spent all morning packing, cleaning out van, etc. Only to get to the carpool site and realize they didn't need me at all, they had extra seats in their cars. At first I was annoyed and decided I wasn't going to waste the whole day doing this when I wasn't needed. But my daughter (with anxious issues) was upset because in her mind it was unacceptable I not go, having said I would.

So I went, complaining, bitching, etc. Then suddenly things changed. The baby fell asleep. The day was beautiful, the leaves and mountains breathtaking. The quiet in the van wonderful. I got to the camp and had a wonderful day with 2 of my girls and the baby. I spent the day in nature, really soaking it up, reflecting, watching the girls have fun, totally not worrying about all the crap that usually fills my head.

I realized that God was the one who wanted me there. God knew I needed that. But I resisted and if not for my daughter would have spent the day doing chores, bitching, laundry, and not having a day of rest.

So I thought, OK God, bring it on, I'm laying it out before you. I will no longer worry (ok, I will really try not to worry, lets get real here) about where my midwifery path is going, my teaching path, my kids and their individual problems, money, my marriage. I will do my "assignment" each day and "let go and let god" for the rest.

This is going to take alot of mindfulness and work. Anyone reading this who has tips, send them to me. Or your insights or thoughts, I would love to hear from you!

OK, that's enough for tonight, I should be sleeping, not on the computer. But, then again, so should you, the reader! In bed, doing chores, cleaning, nah, who has the time for that stuff anymore!!!