My kids are their own people

So my friends and I have been talking about our kids, our expectations, our frustrations, etc. As parents we have definite visions of what the day should look like (what we would like it to look like), how the children will behave, even what kinds of things they will like. But sadly, that is all an illusion we have made up in our heads. That world doesn't exist and it is finally dawning on me that the more I try to create that world, the more frustrated I get.

It's all part of the process of "Let go and let God". Just letting things go and realizing you can't control everything. Very, very difficult for a control freak like me. Somehow I feel like I need to micromanage everyone's life in my family including my husband. It's my job to spend hours reading books, researching the internet looking for answers to all of our problems, questions, quirks, and the like. Then I present my new found wisdom and it is greeted with , to say the least, a dismal response. Like "Oh, god, here comes mom with a new book" or "quick, hide, mom is starting a new chore system today". Each time I think, "ah-ha, here's the solution, this will fix us up". After 2-3 days (sometimes 10-15 minutes) I get lazy, don't follow through, kids scatter and return to old habits and suddenly husband as important meetings he has to be at.

It's finally sinking in that parenting, just like life is a journey. And any changes we make will be slow, gradual and constantly changing. What works when the child is 2 isn't going to work when they are 16. What works at one stage of your life might have to change when you go back to work. What works with one child might be a disaster for another.

It's a big mystery and I don't think we are really meant to solve it. We are meant to grow as people ourselves, guide our children, but ultimately they are not ours to "own" they are their own people. They are doing to make poor decisions, get teased, bullied, make mistakes, get speeding tickets, and the like. And there is not a damn thing we can do about it. We have to let them learn, we can't teach them everything about the social world, they have to learn (or not) themselves. We are doing them no favors by trying to overprotect them for failure, errors, etc. And God knows I have tried. But, as a friend recently put it, "We feel responsible for our child's behavior in public, but we are not". Yes, we can discipline, leave, have a chat, but if our kid insists on getting in trouble, being a bully, etc. that's their life and their mistakes.

On the other hand, I'm not suggesting we send them packing and wish them luck. It's our job to always be there, be supportive, be loving, but sometimes we have to set boundaries. Let them know what you will and will not tolerate in your home. Right now, we are having a problem with screaming and fit-throwing (and not from the baby, it's still cute when he does it). I have decided that I simply can't live with all that noise and negative energy so I have told the kids that if they feel like that and behave like that, they will have to stay in room until they can return and act civil. No matter how long it takes. No matter how ugly it gets in there (you know, the sounds of things flying across the room, etc).

And I have realized I need to disengage from arguments. Now I know why my mom always said "because I said so. Period". Because I get sick of explaining and giving the rationale behind every decision to 5 kids about 100 times a day. Most of the time, they know damn well why they should/shouldn't be doing something. Another thing I am doing is answering questions: ONCE. That's it. I only have so much energy to give and it is being depleted by the repetitious questioning, complaining, nagging, trying to break me down.

So in some ways I need to toughen up. Quit trying to explain away my kids behavior (Oh, he has sensory disorder, oh she's going through puberty, oh, she has anxiety issues) and realize that is totally OK for me to set up boundaries with them and not figure out how to solve all their problems, they need to do that. Or they will be crippled for life, never having to think through the consequences.

And maybe that means that even though my child's IQ is high, testing is off the charts, etc. that that child may not be going on to become a doctor. I can't make anyone have drive, self-discipline, or self-esteem. They have to find that for themselves. I think back to when I was a kid, constantly being nagged and punished to clean up my room. Yes, I would do it when it became a life/death matter, but inside I didn't change. I grew up and still am a messy person. My parents didn't change the person I was, just set the limits for living in their household. My dad would constantly nag about leaving lights on, guess what, I still leave lights on. So why waste my time trying to change my kids to fit the mold that I have designed for them. It is not the same mold god has decided for them, and between the two of us, I think his design is going to win.

Boy, that's alot of rambling today isn't it? Obviously I have been thinking about this stuff for some time. I want a life, I want to quit worrying and fixing everyone's problems and let them figure stuff out. Why do I think that I know what is good for them and try to force them to do activities I think will be beneficial. All that causes is stress on my part, arguments, tears, etc. Fine, don't do it , I'll use that free time to take up something myself like an exercise class, or scrapbooking, or heck just sitting around reading and being lazy. Why do I feel the need to make sure that my kids are doing worthy pursuits all day long? Why can't I just leave them to sit around their messy room on their gameboys and hang out?

OK, that's all for now. If nothing else, this blog will be a way for me to blow off steam, work through my own issues, kind of like self-therapy, cheaper than counseling, really.